In what scientists are calling the first text-to-human transmission of a virus, a Yale University student who goes by the name “Anotmas” has contracted the deadly Extended Metaphor Disease (EMD). Doctors for the afflicted student first discovered his condition after concerned friends alerted New Haven police to his plaintive cry for help in an online poetry forum:
i DON’T GET EXTENDED METOPHORES! THEY MAKE ME SICK! WHEN MY COLLAGE TEACHER AT YALE UNIVERSITY SAID ” WHAT ARE EXTENDED METOPHORS?” I FETL SO EMBARRESED WHEN I SAID “I DON’T KNOW!”
Initial symptoms of EMD include dizziness, shortness of breath, and poor spelling. Doctors warn, however, that if left untreated the condition can be fatal.
Among the many questions that researchers are still struggling to answer is how someone could get Extended Metaphor Disease without getting extended metaphors. (“i DON’T GET EXTENDED METOPHORES!”) Meanwhile, reporters are investigating why someone who was embarrassed by his ignorance in class would broadcast his ignorance on a public internet forum.
Faculty and staff at Yale are just as confused over what critics are now calling EMD-gate. In the English department, professors are looking into possible subject matter theft, as it appears that at least one member of the art department (“MY COLLAGE TEACHER”) has been teaching figurative language. In the admissions office, everyone is trying to figure out how the student was accepted to Yale in the first place.
“Anotmas” is currently in stable condition at a local hospital.